I’ll never forget the day my neighbor called to tell me that my daughter may have broken her arm while playing at their house. I was neck high in making spaghetti sauce with the fresh tomatoes from our garden. As I met her in the driveway and approached her in the car I saw it. Her arm, laying on a pillow on her lap. Her arm was indeed broken. I quickly drove her to the nearest hospital and the doctors informed me she would need to have her arm set but, unfortunately, because she had eaten recently, they were unable to put her under for the procedure. Instead, they gave her as much as they could so that while she was still “awake” she would not remember any of it after it happened. I was asked to leave the room as they set the arm but as I returned, I could hear her slurred speech telling the nurses attending to her that “yep, my mom, she’s a yeller”. As if this evening hadn’t been emotional enough, I was shocked to hear her telling all our family secrets to the staff on hand just like a drunken man sitting on his bar stool sharing all his life’s darkest moments to the bartender.
I didn’t say anything, but I put my hand over my face and shook my head as I smiled to the compassionate ladies tending to my nine-year-old. Honestly, there was no judgment from anyone there. I’m sure the things they’ve heard in that field would rival that of a Catholic priest in the confessional.
My daughter didn’t remember, and she had no idea what she was saying, so I’m not quite sure what was going through her mind when she decided to share this bit of information with the staff. However, watching your young child slur and talk like she’d had a few too many shots of tequila was unnerving, but to hear her share that she thought I was a yeller was something that struck me to the core. Now I’ve told family and friends this story many times and it was always a bit of a funny story. While I’m embarrassed by it, it really wasn’t a secret that I was someone who was considered strict with my kids. When I became impatient or was pushed too far, I would yell. I’m not justifying this as appropriate behavior, quite the opposite.
Truth be told, it never feels good to be yelled at. Ever. And I was very aware that after I yelled at one, or all, of my kids, I felt awful. I felt awful because it wasn’t how I wanted to show up.
In short, I reacted vs. responded.
If I could rewind the tape and do it all over, I would do the work to better manage my emotions so that I could pause and respond in a way that was appropriate to those situations that set me off. It had nothing to do with teaching them right or wrong, but it was me not being able to manage my emotions and respond as I should. For me, it felt like someone hit the big red button and the alarms sounded, and I just needed to release the pressure that was happening inside of me. Now before you go judging me, this wasn’t all the time and it wasn’t screaming at the top of my lungs, but it certainly wasn’t me choosing kind words that would help them understand and grow from the experience. Some would say that I’m a horrible parent, others that I’m overreacting. Both could be true, but that’s not the point.
What I am interested in is helping others who are where I was to have the tools and techniques to be able to manage their emotions.
This isn’t a quick “here’s 3 tips” type of thing. It takes work and I’m still not there myself, but I do know that what’s key to all of this is learning to be able to feel the emotion as it comes. Don’t resist it or push it away but experience it and let it move through you. To fully feel the emotion without having to run or yell or throw things. It’s a term that I’ve stumbled upon recently and it’s referred to as emotional maturity.
I’m very passionate about this topic as yes, I see this played out in my own personal life, but I also see it in countless others who struggle to show up as they’d like. They react to situations and don’t know how to stop it or why it’s even happening. It could be yelling at someone, it could be road rage, it could be eating a container of cookies without even realizing you did it, or maybe it’s numbing those emotions by scrolling through social media. It doesn’t have to be a burst of emotion; it could be a shutting down to not feel. A way of disconnecting because the emotions are so strong.
A few years back, I read this quote:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” —Viktor Frankl
Viktor is a holocaust survivor, who founded logotherapy, a school of psychotherapy that describes a search for a life’s meaning as the central human motivational force. He wrote the book Man’s Search for Meaning to record some of the events and what he learned from his time in the concentration camp.
In truth, I had just accepted that my tendency to just react was just my personality, it was who I was. It wasn’t until I began to understand that I had control of my responses. That there is a pause available to me. Yes, expecting to change our reactions in the moment isn’t easy and what’s key is doing the work necessary when you’re not in those triggering situations.
Each of us gets triggered. It’s part of our flawed humanity. People will rub us the wrong way. We will experience pain, suffering, injustices, likely even cruelty. Sadly, this we cannot control. But what we can control is how we show up when those things happen. For us Catholics, we refer to this as the need to grow in virtue. Growing in patience, gentleness, kindness, mercy, charity, etc… And while we all strive to be the type of person who doesn’t react harshly or inappropriately, it’s not as easy as just biting your tongue.
So how do we do that? We need to become aware of our emotions and what is driving us to do those behaviors. If we are accustomed to grabbing food when we are upset, we will naturally head to the pantry the next time we are triggered. If we are used to raising our voices when our fuse is short and we find ourselves exhausted and overwhelmed, guess what, it will be our immediate reaction the next time we find ourselves there. Maybe it’s the drink at the end of the day that is required to relax.
Whatever it is that is causing you to not show up and respond to your life in a way that allows you to be emotionally mature and present, this is your work. This work is far more than I can cover in a blog post, and I don’t want you to become discouraged if you don’t see changes right away.
To start, I would encourage you to just become aware of what you were thinking or feeling prior to when you felt triggered or reacted in a way you didn’t like. As I say often, awareness is the first step. This is a process for sure and it will take much time and effort to work through old patterns and emotions and to learn how to re-wire your brain, but the best part? When you model what it looks like to respond with emotional maturity, no matter what the situation, your children and future generations will be learning from your example.
I can’t think of a better way for each of us to make a positive impact on our current culture than to gain control of ourselves and how we respond to others, most especially those within our own homes.
My nine-year-old daughter is now a mother to a little girl, and I pray that she never has to hear her daughter telling a friend or anyone else “yep, my mom, she’s a yeller”.
How about you? Where do you find yourself reacting vs responding? What do you want to change in your life but feel powerless to because it feels automatic, or part of who you are? Where do you want to show up differently?
If you’re struggling and want to dive deeper and work with someone on this, feel free to reach out.
Change is not easy, but I assure you you’re worth it. Your family is worth it. Go change your family legacy.
XOXO
Sharon
sharonkcoaching.com 
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